You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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