his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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