my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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