life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
home. puking in laundry basket.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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