Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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