She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
