there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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