I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
