I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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