I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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