Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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