Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
