Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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