Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
