the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
