You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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