If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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