The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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