I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Randomize
