John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
