weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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