This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
