I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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