And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
