so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
