i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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