The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
