I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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