I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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