you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
