Pants 0. Shit 1.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
