I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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