There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
