Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
