broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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