Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
