Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
