There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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