I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
