I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i will never coherently bang her
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
