why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
