Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
