Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
