I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
