Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
