i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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