She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
