you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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