I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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