wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
